I Hate Hiro Club
by sbyamibakura
Summary: ...He didn't have to kiss that slum town princess, no he didn't..." Crack!fic Kensei/Hiro with mentions of many other pairings.


I Hate Hiro Club

By: PhoenixJustice

Disclaimer: Heroes is owned by Tim Kring, I only own this story and make no profit from this.

Warning: T for slashy content, language, crack!fic, etc

Feedback/Archive: Yes, review please! Ask me if you want to archive, I am very agreeable.

Pairing: mentions of Kensei/Hiro and Sylar/Mohinder, Noah/Claude, Nathan/Peter, Nathan/Claire, Hando, Nathan/Matt, Noah/Mohinder, etc

Setting: er, sometime after S2?

Summary: "...He didn't have to kiss that slum town princess, no he didn't..."

Prompt: A Crack!Fic featuring Adam and Sylar forming an "I Hate Hiro Club", complete with treehouse with sign that says "NO GIRLS ALLOWED (and no Hiros either)." --suggested by tjutjutjutju

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BANG!

BANG!

"Ya-freaking-tta, it's finished!" said Adam, standing side by side next to Sylar, both with grins on their faces. The sign looked a little crooked, but neither Adam nor Sylar cared enough to fix it. The sign read in red; "NO GIRLS ALLOWED (and no Hiros either)". Both were quite adamant on that fact; both on the fact of no girls (because really who needed those? They caused nothing but trouble!) and the fact of NO Hiro Nakamura. Bad Hiro. Make Kensei-Adam all sexually frustrated.

Bad Hiro. Stab Sylar and turn his little geneticist against him.

The treehouse was complete and they walk inside. The outside looked like a regular treehouse, but they had added a few modern things for comfort. They get themselves comfortable and start passing a bottle of sake around as they talk.

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"I do all as he asks, I veritably give myself to him and what does he do? He kisses my unwanted princess! Stupid Yaeko," he muttered, taking a swig of sake and slurring slightly. "It's just like a woman to screw you, I mean screw things up. No, wait...they do both. But still...my carp, carp..."

"Yeah they do nothing but bring you down." said Sylar, taking the bottle from Adam who pouts at the loss of the sake. "It's why I had my pretty little geneticist. He is just girly enough but he doesn't screw you over like...no, wait...he did. That little bitch!"

"Hey, yeah...Hiro did too, that little bitch! He didn't have to kiss that slum town princess, no he didn't. But he didn't...I mean did," he burps, taking the bottle from Sylar.

"And he freaking stabbed me. I mean, what was that all about? All I wanted was to KO people, eat some brains like some sort of zombie and take their powers for my own because they are undeserving and control the world. That's all. Then he goes and stabs me and screws it all up! Damn Hiro."

"Damn Hiro!" echoed Adam. "You think you got it bad, I mean I freaking got buried alive! Talk about betrayal! That's the last time I have super hot man sex on top of a grave, but I didn't think anything of it..."

"And because I got stabbed," continued Sylar, maybe not even listening to what Adam was saying and just wanted to hear himself talk. "Mohinder turns to Parkman and plays house with him and does the whole two daddies thing taking care of Molly. If he wanted a child that badly, I could have gotten one for him!"

"And so I'm lying there, after just having the best orgasm of my life and just got my clothes back on and what does he do?" said Adam. "He freezes time and I wake up in a bloody coffin. Talk about betrayal!"

"He stopped me from taking over the world and takes away my sex toy." said Sylar, glaring at the emptying bottle of sake. "Damn Hiro." He takes a swig and hands it over to Adam who takes a swig.

"Damn Hiro! And I swear, sexing me up and then putting me in a coffin is bad enough, but if he was thinking of that bloody friend of his, Ando, then there's going to be one dead Ando." said Adam, blinking his eyes as they start to blur.

"Want me to kill...wait, who? Oh!" said Sylar, his words slurring slightly. "You mean the guy who I went all 'What would I want with YOUR brain?' to?"

Adam shrugs. "I don't know, maybe. I wasn't there, I was bloody locked up. Another reason because of my carp. If he hadn't abandoned me and kissed that stupid Yaeko who was a stupid plot idea, then I wouldn't have gone down the path that I did. You know I married like seven times or something? If I squinted my eyes enough this way or that way, they kind of looked like Hiro. Then I got all mad because I didn't want to think about him..."

"...Maybe I should go down the Sylaire route?" Sylar said, not seeming to pay attention again. "I mean I'm without a geneticist and she's without her uncle or her bio-dad, dirty girl--"

"You ever notice something about H.R.G? There's just something about him; I always noticed. I saw him and Claude sometimes walking past my door, years ago. Sometimes they were up AGAINST the wall, having some pretty hot man sex, though not super hot man sex like I had with Hiro. So what if I was a bit of a Voyeur, I needed something to pass the time. There's only so many times one could touch themselves. I mean, I could do it over and over and over...but I needed something more. And they were pretty hot together. Then H.R.G had to shoot his 'business partner' for some ambiguous reason or another. Probably because of Hiro, for whatever reason."

"Yeah, like it's how Hiro's fault that I go from having pretty hot man sex to having none. I mean there are Mylar fans out there pissed off because I got stabbed and presumed dead, then sent away. Then I had to deal with idiot Maya and idiot Alejandro. I suppose I could have sexed Alejandro before I killed him, but he was just too annoying. And now--because of Hiro--I had to be out in bumfuck Mexico with them and now Maya's out there and I have to actually make an effort to kill someone and..."

"zzz..." Adam had fallen asleep, or unconscious. Either way he was breathing, so Sylar didn't make an effort to check on him. Plus the man could heal. He vaguely thought about KOing him, but was too tired. And he also had naughty Claire and pretty Peter to choose from. He still didn't get why the sponge had cut off that pretty, pretty hair. Sylar was almost jealous until he realized that he had super special awesome hair which was in a league of its own, so he was okay.

"zzz..."

"...Mohinder, put on that frilly pink apron..."

"...carp, turn off the coffee maker before coming to bed...you know I don't like coffee..."

The bottle of sake rolls down the floor of the slightly tilted up treehouse and to the outside, landing at someone's feet, who picks it up.

"Maybe I should sex him up again, would that make things right again?" Hiro scratches his head. "...oh! I know!"

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"You want me to do what to whom?!"

"You want him to do what to whom?!"

"You sex up Sylar and I sex up Kensei--Adam and all will be right with the world again!"

"But...I..." pouted Ando in the corner, sniffing slightly.

"Hush! Just go read some Hando in the corner like normal people do!"

"I want my Peter." sniffed Nathan.

"Ahahahahahahahaha!"

"I meant my BROTHER, Matthew Parkman!"

"Hey! Don't call me Matthew!" said Matt.

"Since when did you two get all domestic?!" said Mohinder.

"Er...maybe that was when he flew me around..."

"WHAT?! K' that's it Parkman, take your Flying Man, I'm going to get my Mylar going." Mohinder walks off.

Hiro teleports away and Matt looks at Nathan who raises his hands.

"Hey, don't look at me. You were nice filler until I could find my brother or my bio-daughter, that's all."

Matt glares at the spot where Hiro teleported away.

"This is all his fault. Damn Hiro!" Matt stalks off.

"Damn," said Nathan. "Now I have no Peter, no Claire and no Matt. I wonder what H.R.G is doing..."

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The door opens and Nathan and Matt stand there.

"We want to join." they both said simultaneously.

Sylar opens the door and lets them in.

"All those who hate girls and hate Hiros are welcome, blah blah blah..."

Matt looks around. "Hey, wasn't Adam here? And Mohinder and Hiro were going to stop by."

Sylar raises a brow. "Well, Hiro stopped by and he and Adam ran off somewhere, probably to have sex so Adam probably won't be apart of the club anymore...and I never saw my geneticist..."

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"Er...H.R.G it is nice to see you and all, but I have to get to Sylar's club and...and..." started Mohinder.

"Something the matter?" asked Noah.

"...Have you always been so sexy?!"

"..." shrug."I thought you'd never notice." Grin.

"Oh my!"

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Pant. "If you...try and stick me in a coffin...again, carp..." Pant, pant.

Moan. "No, I won't. This is...much more...satisfactory." Moan.

He kisses his carp and doesn't lament the loss of a treehouse when he could have super hot man sex all the time with Hiro, apparently Isaac Mendez's loft could find another use after all...

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A/N: Erm...okie...well, here you go! shrug I don't know how that turned out, but... I wanted to try another prompt and this one stood out to me this time.

I was just re-watching the last S2 ep again and there is so much Kiro-ness, Kensei's expression as he sees Hiro again for the first time in over four hundred years…his expression after Peter threw Hiro against the wall…'You were more than a friend to me', and so much more. Especially the 'LET ME OUT! CARP! CARP! KOI! CARP!' thing. That was such a ;; moment.

Oh yeah…

Just what was Kensei reaching for when Hiro entered the vault? Oo I mean, he already had the Virus and all.

And another thing…

I doubt that Kensei waited until he could get away to use the virus; I don't think he had any fear of it, and we know that it wouldn't affect him. I personally think that he waited until Hiro could get away. In over four hundred years of living, he had to have seen and been around plagues. There were many kinds in the many years he lived, so he had to have known that none would affect him, so I really do think that he was shielding Hiro away from it.

...at least I hope so. OO

--PhoenixJustice


End file.
